My life had changed the last five years tremendously, and I’m not at all the same girl/woman I used to be. I’m pretty sure, that everyone I haven’t talked with the last 12 months would get quite surprised when they meet me again!
Every year around Christmas does I do a review over the last year. I write everything down, so I can measure how much I have developed.
But what had happened for the last 5 years? A lot of things can change in 5 years, and sure it has.
I had been on a journey since I was 15 of recovering from the traumas from my childhood. My early 20’s was all about finding myself and find my path in life. It was crazy-town from I was 24 to 26, because I was so extremely stressed out and almost in a state of survival. I got more and more stressed, panic attacks, always keeping my ear to the ground, trying to control everything, and got even more stressed when something didn’t turn out as planned. As you probably know, this craziness ended last year in October when I became sick, and I’d been on sick leave since.
Start of Something New.
Going from being a hustling busy-bee to not being able to get out of the door without getting a panic attack and get stressed over everything outside of my apartment made me realize, I was gambling with my health.
In my whole life did I put everyone else’s needs before mine. I measured my self-worth by how many people I could satisfy, and I wasn’t afraid to go to extends to make it happen. I’m after all a Mental Alchemist, and making things happen is kind of my area of specialization.
I think it was my way of dealing with low self-esteem, which often is a consequence of domestic violence. I had learned, the only way I could be appreciated was by satisfying others. Even people I didn’t know that well.
During my sick leave changed a lot of things. The girl I was for 5 years ago is no longer who I am today. The biggest lesson was to make my health the first priority of my life, and accept I’m a sensitive introvert girl, who needs to pull the plug when I need it. I’m redesigning my entire life.
Will you be there for me?
One huge thing I had learned during the last 5 years, is knowing who are you real friends and who are only in for the fun. Unfortunately, people I thought were my friends turned out to only want to connect with me to get free coaching or guidance. If they aren’t in need, I don’t hear from them, not even when I became sick.
It made me take drastic action during the spring; I took notice of who reached out to me during my sick leave (and for which cause), and who haven’t. In this way, I now know who my true friends are. And free coaching and guidance is no longer something I’m offering.
You really learn who your true friends are when you become sick!
This is who I am.
The cause of my sick leave forced me to stop up and take a serious look at my life. Not only the last 5 years but my entire lifetime.
Whose life did I actually living? My own or someone else’s?
Not mine, that was for sure!
The last couple of months have I worked intensively on my confidence. Instead of trying to be a version of how the norm says a 20-something woman should be, I now going to shake the standards up a bit, and do my own version. Why wait until you are 80 to don’t give a F**K?
I talked with my mentor about it the other day. She asked me why I do, wear, says odd things, and my answer was simply because it’s who I am. I really don’t care what others think about it, and if they are judging, then I know it is a reflection of something inside of themselves, and have nothing to do with me.
That wouldn’t happen for 5 years ago, that’s for sure! The thing with not giving a F**K is something I had built up over some years, to be honest. It started with always wearing 6-inch heels, when that got boring, I started always wearing dresses, then winged eyeliner, then big floppy hats, then huge shades… now is it my beloved capes. Wondering what my next thing is going to be?
Something which never going to change is my way to deal with things. I’m dealing with things by expressing myself. I’m not afraid of talking about things other people might not talk about, nor talking about it quite public. When I talk about things in a public forum, like my blog, it’s because it serves a deeper purpose. There is a message behind it. It’s a part of something bigger.